Oh... hai...

Hi girls,

I know it’s been forever, but as you know no news, good news. These past weeks have been ectic, demanding, overloaded, asking, busy. Both physically and mentally. New work, new co-workers, new tasks. Nobody to teach me. No time. I had literally no time for myself until this weekend. I mean, I was working until 5 :30 on the 24th! My life for the past 3 weeks has consisted in wake up at 6 :30, get ready, bus, tube, work work work, overtime, tube, bus, make dinner, sleep. Barely. I have developped stress related to sleep. I used to sleep on demand; not anymore. I just can’t sleep even when I am spent. I lay there, awake but too tired to do anything. I really hope it’s related to my new work and once I am in control at work my sleep will come back.

As you might remember my new work is in the fashion industry. And maybe you can guess the effect on my reflection in the mirror… My resolve has never been this strong. I want to impress. I want to acheive perfect balance between intellect and appearance. I want to be the soft voice on the phone, the gracious girl in the office. The impeccable taste. This is NOT about weight. Or rather, it is only a facette of the situation. I can see it now. I used to think I wanted to be thin. Or maybe in the beginning it was only that. But soon it was different. It’s about control, it’s about so much different stuff. And aiming to be thin is channeling all that. I am not afraid. It’s not like I am falling in a never ending hole. I am not sickly obsessed. It’s just diverse personallity of myself fighthing for an ideal I will NEVER acheive. But I am not bitter or sad or depressed. Just incredibly pressurized. But I am the one doing this to myself.

ANYWAYS. The point is my motivation is steel strong and I’ve fought trough Christmas time without too much damage (lots of control and a few purges). I am at 117 pounds. AND IT’S GOING DOWN. 116 here I come!!