You will never believed what I did Monday. I vainquished my fear of judgement and bought Wasted at the library. I’ve been looking at it for months now but I never had the guts to actually buy it. I’ve read 60 pages so far. Now I have an incontrollable fear of being asked what I am reading but it’s a whole other story.
I don’t know how many of you have read the book but I feel like I am reading my own memoir to some close exceptions. I am now reconsidering all my life and its implications. My childhood and my adolescence. Luella the psychanalist!
My othorexia had softened these past two months, first with the boring life I had before I started my new job, then I had no time to focus on anything else than job, and finaly the holiday times distracted me for a while. But as I guessed, with time came stability at work and guess what’s back?
Yup. My obsession came back once I was settled. It’s weird. I was better. Or rather I wasn’t thinking about it and the next day it was back. And with it my sleep came back. I feel home. As strange and fucked up this might sound; I feel safe and sound. Onto a territory I know and control.
I have achieved my ultimate goal weight and I don’t know what to do now. I am sitting at 116. I am officially underweight and I have been for over a week now.
Perhaps that’s why my othorexia is kicking back this hard. Oh God I am afraid of gaining back! If I stop eating the right stuff and working out I will sure gain back the weight I’ve worked so hard to shed. Can you imagine? I have lost 50 pounds in a year. I don’t want any back onto my smaller (but still not enough) frame.
Anyway anyway, I ramble. I am back. For good now.
2 comments:
WOW!! 50 lbs in a year. That is so AWESOME. I know how you feel about that fear of gaining it back. Does 116 feel like you thought? Oh, and I LOVE Wasted too. I couldn't put it down.
Fifty pounds in a year? Way to go, good job! =)
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