Fed Up asked me if 116 felt like I tought it would. I’d say yes and no.Yes because I am 22 years old and I weight a fraction of some adults of my age. Because I’ve beaten myself at this game. I had goals (133, then 125, 118 and 116) and I’ve reached every goal, one at a time, in a year. Some might be able to do it faster than me but I have my weaknesses and I had more than enough time to learn them and then learn from them.
Yes because I’ve discovered something I tought did not exist for girl my age: bones. When I look into the mirror I sometimes (definetly not all the time) see a skinny girl. I cannot deny the numbers even when my head is telling me something else. I am skinny now. It’s a twisted game but I went to almost overweight to underweight and I think I deserved this little pride flame in my eyes.
No because I’ve also learned that it is never enough. It’s not only about weight, you already know that.I will never ever be satisfied. My tighs still touch a bit, when they wont touch anymore I’ll find something else. There will always be something not right about me and I will focus on appearance but it’s also in my mind.
No because I perfectly know that I am sick to do what I do. To obsess as much about food as I do. To read about it, to understand it, to speak it’s language. To freak out in a restaurant because the food is not organic, or at least natural. To refuse to eat white rice, sauce, fat, or all these no-no food everybody else eats.
No because when I look at myself in the mirror (all the other times when I do not see a skinny Luella) I see my old self. I do not see who I am now. I don’t know who I am anymore. In fact, I do know, but she is a strange creature. There is an intense dichotomy between who I am, who I see in the mirror and who I think I am.
Will I ever get skinnier? I do not know. Probably. But it’s very hard to go lower for my body. I do not own a cat’s frame. For the moment I’ll try and be satisfied with what I have.
This year I will focus on exercize. I need to get those legs, belly, arms strong and lean and powerful. A ballet dancer body, a yogi body.
Think I can do that?
1 comments:
Your answer sounds exactly like how I feel and would similary answer the same question. I too don't have a naturally skinny body. I fight myself and set a whole bunch of goals like you and met them. I need to be skinny. Reaching that magic # doesn't bring constant happiness, riches, complete satisfaction but I can only think that whatever demons I face now would only be 10 X worse if I were not thin.
Post a Comment