S-T-U-C-K

Do you think one can acheive happines like this?

I am such an hypocrite.

Yesterday I said to M : I don’t want to lose weight anymore. I am fine as I am.

Utter bullshit.

I said to my sister: You have to be at peace with the body you have. We are not all born to be supermodels and I am definetly not. No. I am fine right now. I feel good.

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

I know for a fact that I would be happier with 5 pounds less. I know for a fact that I am not at peace with my body. I don’t have to whine about it but do I really need to repeat over and over the contrary to my loved ones? Hell no. I am such an hypocrite.

I’ve almost finished Wasted. This book is terrifying me. We have some traits in common, Marya and Me. Of course I am not as far as her and I would never dream to be. I am not anoretic. I am a whole other creature. But obsessed and haunted, just like her.

And I have a love/hate relatioship with my eating disorder. Everyday I fight it and I surrender. Everyday I resist and give in at the same time. But I can’t get tired of it.

S-T-U-C-K