Beach Girls

Does anybody feel like they have are living two separates lives? An online life, hidden, our core, and a fake face, a public personality to hide what we are doing? Or maybe it’s not really a fake face but more like ourselves if we had a regular life and no squatter personality inside? I don’t know. On weekend especially, I feel like my fake face is taking over and pushing me to screw up all the week’s hard work.

In any case, my weekend was not a success but not a failure either. Friday night went alright, ate my 10 sushi, not more, but I did not go out; too tired. Did not do my yoga either; no real excuses. I drank a whole bottle of wine, though.

Today was great socially speaking, but food wise I ate up to 1065 calories! We went to the beach to visit my father who was on vacation there. It was crazy hot and I did get a little darker (don’t you think tan makes one look thinner?) which was great. I packed a nice little lunch (veggies, hummus, homemade salsa, cold low fat turkey breast and olives) and was happy about my eating behaviour (watching the others eat), but then my father invited us to eat and I could not turn his offer down. He had steaks. 13oz or more pieces of thick meat. There was not possible way I could eat that. So I gave more than half of mine to M (who ate it all) and loaded on salad without dressing (thanks to my dairy intolerance). So far, not too bad.

We had plans to go see Inglourious Basterds but it was already sold out when we got there, so we went to the arcades. There was no bathrooms there so I had to go to Starbucks, but their WC are only for the customers so I bought and shared a mango-orange Vivano with my sister in order to go. Right there: 140 calories.

Later, we were walking back to the car and we passed Ben & Jerry’s and M offered me a treat. I chose the lemonade with sorbet. Probably the best choice (about 130 calories) but the lemonade had no sugar in it so it was sour like crazy. Enough to make my teeth ache – thanks to purging. Anyways, that’s how I got to 1000 without really noticing.

At the beach, I had enough time to look around and compare myself. I feel bad about it, but I am sure you understand. I saw lots of things I wish I hadn’t (some people have no shame! Urgh!), but I also noticed a good bunch of skinny girls too. Lots of flat or almost flat belly, space between tights, you know the drill…

There was one girl who was right beside us who had the nicest hip bones I ever saw. And I could feel she knew I was envying her. And she kept looking at me. Not in a nice way, but not in a bad way either. It’s like if we recognised each other. Does that make any sense? I watched her go all the time we were there and she didn’t eat anything although her friends were total pigs. I was even feeling ashamed to eat my carrots in front of her. Haha! I had almost lost any hope of being as good as her when she got up and got two bags of chips with a greasy hot-dog. I was leaving then and right before going I gave her a look. Not a bitchy look but a weird look that meant: Come on, are you really gonna eat that? I wonder if she ate the junk food anyway and if it was all in my head...

Anyway, I am 123.8 even with the shit I ate. My tights are barely touching now. Soon, I’ll get there.

Isabeli Fontana 5'9.5" - 125 lbs